Notes From a Junkie Landlord


By H.S. White
May 24, 2012 Bookmark and Share

Greetings,
Just to let you know that your rent is past due. Rent must always be paid prior to the end of each month. Please understand that this policy is for your convenience as well as mine.

Sincerely,
Your Landlord

Mr. Curtis,
Your rent payment is now ten days in arrears. Though I value your tenancy, I also value the income your tenancy produces. Please make payment ASAP.

Landlord-

Hey John-
Listen…okay, so maybe you didn't get the last notice, huh? Maybe a strong wind came along and suddenly sucked it out of your mailbox? Listen, dude, it's been two weeks…TWO WEEKS! What's going on?

Richard-

Alright, FUCKHEAD! This shit ain't funny, you hear? I leave notes, I try to be cool about it, and what do you do? Not a goddamn thing, that's what! A fucking phone call would be nice, don't you think? Know what? maybe I should just key myself in and take 500 bucks worth of shit out of your apartment. How's that sound?

Rich-

Dearest Punkass Motherfucker,
How'd you enjoy listening to your stereo last night? Oh, I almost forgot-IT'S IN THE PAWN SHOP! Yeah, I only got 60 bucks for it because it's a worthless piece of shit-Hey, what do you know, so's its FORMER OWNER! The fishtank's next, asshole.
You owe 440 bucks…

Me-

Okay, I'm about tired of this shit, Curtass. I woke up sick as a fucking starving poodle…It's a goddamn miracle I woke up at all! You must think this shit's a joke, ain't that right? I'm a fucking joke, huh? Gee whiz, why're all your little fishies floating instead of swimming? I guess fish can't breathe too fucking good in Clorox, eh asshole? I hope they provide you with hours of wholesome entertainment! Pay up, or that raggedy-ass cat gets it next!

You know who-